Wednesday, December 14, 2016

My Break Up.

I made a video about this, which you can find here.  But I realized while editing/while filming the video, that I didn't really say everything that I wanted to say in that video, and I still really wanted to talk about it more clearly on here.  That is what a blog is for I guess.

Break ups suck.  Nobody likes being dumped.  It is such a horrible feeling, because you are always wondering if it was something that you did or why you didn't see it coming.  For me, I was completely blind sided by him.  I am always someone who can pick up on subtle hints and can normally figure out when someone is not feeling the relationship.  I didn't see this one coming.  At all.  This was just...so different to any relationship that I have ever had before.

***I also should have mentioned in the video that this was a long distance relationship.  We lived 2 hours away from each other, so we didn't get to see each in person that often, because of our crazy, different work schedules.  Hence why text communication was so important.***

Although some people would think it's crazy for people to talk about for only dating a couple of months, we talked about the future and where we wanted to be (and yes, marriage came up several times).  Retrospectively, yes, I wouldn't normally talk about marriage with someone who I only knew a few months.  But I think that that is something that made this relationship so special to me.  I felt comfortable being completely honest about my feelings and we were very up front with what kind of relationship we wanted.  We wanted the same things for our lives, and that's what made this break up so difficult for me.  Even several days later, I still get really sad when I think about it, the relationship, him, and what could've been.

I appreciate the honesty.  Honesty and communication is some of the most important things to me in any relationship, and I'm glad that he was able to be honest to me about what he was feeling.  I know this was hard on him too.  He was always the person right from the get-go that talked about the future and how we had so much in common and he hoped I would be a good fit for his forever-partner.  My heart aches for him too because that must have taken a lot of thought and self reflection to come to terms with ending a relationship, particularly one that seemed to be almost fate.

Was the relationship perfect? No.  I didn't agree with some things he did.  But no relationship is perfect.  But I didn't want perfect.  I want something that makes me feel comfortable and warm and loved.

In terms of moving on, it's going to take some time.  Again even though it was a relatively short relationship, it felt like forever and I opened myself up and shared things with him that I have never shared with anyone else before.  So yes.  It hurts.  It will probably still hurt in the future.  But I want to make sure my heart has time to heal before moving on.  Moving on takes time, and I am not the type of person who can just "rebound" with another guy quickly.  Yes.  I will still get upset when I think about it.  Hell, I'm even getting teary-eyed writing this blog post.  I still look at my phone every once in a while, hoping to see a new text from him.

Thank you for all the nice messages.  It makes my heart hurt a little less.  I really needed it. <3

"Dan", if you happen to read this,  I am sorry that I couldn't fill everything you needed.  I really wish that I could have.  I am here if you ever need anything. I hope you find happiness.  I really do.

xx Emily

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